I survived, mostly.

So… I lost a tooth. It was my front tooth. It had been crowned several years ago. That front tooth was the first dental issue I’d ever had. I was in my 30s then and hadn’t ever even had a cavity. Then, along came a monster of a man who beat me mercilessly for three years.
I used to have to wear long sleeve shirts, pants, and socks at all times to cover my neck to toes bruises. I finally found the strength to leave, with the help of my best friend and my brothers.
So, here I am still dealing with PTSD on a daily/nightly basis, and to top it all off, I am losing teeth. The teeth on the left side of my face; the monster from my past is right-handed. The roots of my teeth have been damaged to the point that they cannot be saved, and every time another tooth needs a root canal, I’m reminded of him. Of me. Of who I was when I was there. And I have to fight back tears of regret and anger. And guilt.
I’m so embarrassed about all of this. But that’s why I have to share it–in case you or someone you know is going through something similar. We cannot bow our heads in shame; we must hold fast to whatever scrap of dignity we can find within ourselves.

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2 thoughts on “I survived, mostly.

  1. lilredannie1 says:

    Rebecca, I’m so sorry you had to go through that and still deal with it. My step father abused me for years as a teen, till I ran away at almost 19 years old. I pressed charges and sent him off to prison for 53 years. You did what most women can’t , including my mother…you LEFT, hold on to that and never forget he can’t take your voice! speak on , share, don’t hold his secret because you don’t owe him your protection! I understand your constant rehashing and pain you revisit with each root canal, my body aches from the physical abuse and 2 years ago right before I had our 4th child, I finally had the surgery to fix my shoulder my step dad tore. they put 4 anchors in my labrum, I didn’t heal right and every day I have pain, my husand cant touch my shoulder or it hurts, I can’t throw a ball with my kids….and the memories from the sexual abuse still affect me in that aspect. It helps to know where not alone. Validation and understanding are complex but necessary to heal for a survivor. I’ll be praying for you and hope your days become easier.
    -Anne

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    • Thank you for sharing. It’s not an easy thing to talk about it. You have strength which I do not: I did not press charges. I should have. I regret it. But his family has money and an expensive attorney, so it would be my word against his, for the most part. So that monster walks around free as a jaybird. I’m glad you put yours away. Keep inspiring others. Much love.

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