Breaking up with Coffee

Coffee has failed me.
Why, Coffee??
We’ve been intimate for years
We spend mornings together
You’re my favorite part of each afternoon
Sometimes, we secretly meet at dusk
You make me feel giddy and calm simultaneously
No one has affected me like you
But here we are
Entering the end of my ovarian cycles
And you betray me
You no longer cause me to feel awake and refreshed
Even double and triple visits with you Cannot keep my eyes open during the day
Giddiness has been replaced with sweat streams
Followed by soapy showers and dry clothing
I hope this passes
I don’t want to betray you with your decaffeinated cousin
My dear sweet Coffee, I miss you
But I must wish you
Sweet Adieu


Menopause Monologue

Night sweats
Leg cramps
Day sweats
Gained 25 pounds, and counting
Falling asleep during the day
Unable to fall sleep at night
Dreams include having a baby
Definitely do not want a baby
Extreme fatigue
Bones feel weighted down
Grossly heavy periods
Crazy-bad menstrual cramping

Do you have these symptoms? Mine began within the past 6-12 months. My family doctor, Dr Jill, a young perky brunette, told me I was “way too young” to be experiencing menopausal symptoms, and all my blood work came back normal. She advised me to “eat healthy and exercise.”

What the hell? My body feels like it’s deteriorating and I’m too tired and in too much pain to exercise. As for eating, I haven’t changed my eating habits so I should be maintaining, not gaining. Yet, here I am, 44 years old and I’ve outgrown all my clothes. And shoes. And glasses. Yes, I now know you can gain so much weight that you outgrow your panties AND your eyeglasses frame. True story.

I haven’t found anyone else who is going through what I am, so I decided to start this blog with hopes of connecting with those who are experiencing menopause or perimenopause. By the way, perimenopause seems to be the hell a woman endures before retiring to Millionaire Acres in this game of Life.

More soon,
Rebecca Anne

Just a note

I decided it’s time for me to share some pieces I’ve been working on for the past few months. There are a few that are hard to share because of the depth of torture revealed in them. I’m trying to decide if it’s even okay to share my truths, or if I’m expected to veil my words in order to avoid offending the offenders… It’s late, and this is the struggle that’s chasing sleep away tonight.

The Muse

She intrigues you
She needs you
As a sounding board
Her ideas pull you in
Into her world
You want to stay there
With her
Without her your days drag
She is the reason you wake up
She’s the dream you want to hold onto
You need her
Want to possess her
But she is ever in flight
Resting on your shoulder
Just long enough
To share a few notes
Then she moves on
Leaving the echo of her song
Ringing in your ears

I survived, mostly.

So… I lost a tooth. It was my front tooth. It had been crowned several years ago. That front tooth was the first dental issue I’d ever had. I was in my 30s then and hadn’t ever even had a cavity. Then, along came a monster of a man who beat me mercilessly for three years.
I used to have to wear long sleeve shirts, pants, and socks at all times to cover my neck to toes bruises. I finally found the strength to leave, with the help of my best friend and my brothers.
So, here I am still dealing with PTSD on a daily/nightly basis, and to top it all off, I am losing teeth. The teeth on the left side of my face; the monster from my past is right-handed. The roots of my teeth have been damaged to the point that they cannot be saved, and every time another tooth needs a root canal, I’m reminded of him. Of me. Of who I was when I was there. And I have to fight back tears of regret and anger. And guilt.
I’m so embarrassed about all of this. But that’s why I have to share it–in case you or someone you know is going through something similar. We cannot bow our heads in shame; we must hold fast to whatever scrap of dignity we can find within ourselves.